A jihad against The snot-nosed brat who tried to stop me from buying a goldfish last night

The snot-nosed brat who tried to stop me from buying a goldfish last night

All I wanted was to get a pretty goldfish for the bowl I bought a few days ago. Never in my life did I imagine that I would be told by a pubescent dip-wit like you that I wouldn't be allowed to do so because there is a possibility I won't provide the animal with a healthy environment and it would be "wrong" of me to knowingly endanger it.

It's a goldfish, for Neptune's sake! I could have bought 50 of the feeder fish two tanks down for the sole purpose of allowing other fish to EAT THEM while I laughed and clutched my privates. But putting this chubby bundle of scaly love in a bowl is so cruel and morally terrible that you're going to open your brace-laden mouth and try to tell me I can't?

Here's how it works. I give you money and in return you give me a goldfish. If I then decide to rip the fish from its plastic bag, toss it down onto the floor and stomp on it, that's my prerogative. It's my fish.

So, jihad on you, Damien, for questioning my God-given right to purchase and endanger a mindless fish who will never know life outside of a 20 gallon tank, at best. I hope you cried last night when you realized the futility of your efforts and how pathetic you are for caring so much.

By the way, we named him after you and he'll probably be dead inside one week.
Declared by Kevin on Thursday, September 27, 2007