A jihad against Myself

Myself

Hey man. Wassup. It's me, Faisal. I'm dying. On the inside, then slowly it'll spread to the outside as well. Apathy it seems. It's so bad for me that I literally don't even want to type this right now! For fuck's sake, why is this happening to me. Hopefully, some articles stated that it's an effect of maturity, so it'll go as soon as I start getting involved in other interesting stuff. Gotta make a routine that I can follow. I have too many distractions. This laptop for one, is a good example of that distraction. I've been using it since 3AM or something and it's almost 5 AM now. What do I do about this crap of a life that I'm living, God..? I can't even make myself pray to you properly and piously. What the hell. Why me. But I can overcome this. Remember 10th? That time you thought you were wrecked but you actually weren't? Those were the beginning stages of your apathy, I guess. Oh, don't get confused, my alter ego and me are conversing. We wouldn't bother to have a proper, separate and dialogued conversation, would we? Hmm. Maybe you should stop visiting all those meme pages or groups as well. They're making you apathetic. You know that's the truth bro. Well, what's the cause? Why the actual fuck am I even getting affected by psychological shit like this? People in olden times, got their goals, well whoever gave a fuck to do it, without thinking too deep like how I'm thinking right now. Cause... cause...cause...reason. You are finding excuses to not do work. That's not a cause, silly. Then what might be..this cause..? FAISAL. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE CAUSE. WHAT THE HELL IS THE CAUSE TO YOUR SHITTY BEHAVIOUR AND RESPONSE IN THIS PRETTY LIFE? I can't find it, shut up. How can you just blame one incident for something like that. Hmmm..think. I was pretty negative from the start and always concentrated on impressing someone cooler or proving something to my parents. Never thinking about self-development. My problem is - I don't want to work, even though I realize I have to in order to achieve anything. I am incredible apathetic, clearly. I did so well before, why can't I get the same feelings like before. You know, this could be made into a movie or something. Shut up faggot. I'm alright in few things. But, why can't I excel like anybody else? Something must be there, where, what, why, how? Khurshid Uncle died yesterday, yet you only felt a drop of something called as sadness. I cannot believe there will be no one to wish me when I return from the Masjid. This is good, you're getting emotions. Good. Are you scared of Death? No, and yes. The fuck kinda answer is that? Well, I'm indifferent clearly but I don't wanna die, even though I've realized I can't do anything. SO DON'T REALIZE. Go back to Khurshid Uncle topic. So you won't be able to wish anyone as you return from the Mosque. He was, so helpful at times. He has to be the definition of the composed, old guys that anyone thinks about.
Do you give a fuck about what's gonna happen to you. That's why I think so much about it right? Or I just want something to happen magically but I know, it won't. So incredibly hypocritical and so much ironic. Your parents just wanted a few things from you and you are unable to do them. Maybe I tried for something that wasn't in my reach.
Declared by Faiz on Saturday, April 22, 2017